Our Adoption Story: Placement

From the dates between posts you probably already know (the one person who reads this) that we're not feeling it right now.  We haven't heard from any birth mothers in months and we're coming up on our third year "in the books" at LDSFS.  Sometimes I feel like Bridget will be our only child.  Other times I feel like something (someone) is coming.  Either way, we're happy.  It's kind of nice to just be happy.

Bridget's birthday was last week.  It brought back a lot of memories and I thought I'd go out on a bit of a limb and write them down here.  She was born on a Sunday afternoon, four years ago.  We'd met with her birth mother, Mary (name has been changed), one time in May.  Bridget was supposed to be born in July, so Brian and I were busy getting ready for a baby in our house that had only ever had the two of us in it.  At the same time we weren't getting too ready, just in case it didn't work out. (We'd been chosen twice before Mary chose us.  The first time we had a plan for placement and everything, but a week before the baby was born, the birth mother's ex-boyfriend - the birth father - sued her for custody of their child.  The second time didn't feel right, which is a story all by itself.)

We were home from church and helping my friend unload her car after a trip.  When we got back home, there was a message from Mary's case worker saying that she'd had the baby.  Three weeks early.  We didn't have a car seat (no need to tempt fate with that in the house) to bring her home in.  We didn't have any formula or bottles...  Mary's case worker said we'd have placement on Tuesday, June 27th, at the hospital.

Monday morning I went into work as usual, but I went straight to my boss's office to tell him our baby had been born and I would have to quit that very day.  They hadn't hired anyone to replace me, but it was summer and the Brethren were done with meetings for the next month.  (I was an editor in the Missionary Department for the LDS Church.)  My boss was quiet and excited and told me not to worry about anything.  My immediate supervisor asked me if I would come back in a week to train my replacement.  Uh, no.  Mary's case worker called me in the late afternoon to see if we could come visit Mary and the baby in the hospital.  Mary was having an understandably hard time and she needed to see us with her baby - she needed to see us as a family.

We drove to Ogden to the hospital.  I was more uncomfortable and awkward than I've ever felt before.  I didn't want to seem too eager - I had no idea what the "rules" were in this crazy situation.  When we walked into Mary's room, her mother and a couple of siblings were there with her case worker.  Mary was holding the baby.  Before we were even all the way in the room, Mary asked if I wanted to hold her.  I did.  She put the baby in my arms and everyone was quiet while I held her.  Finally Mary's sister asked what we were going to name her.  "Bridget," I said.  Mary's sister and Mary herself seemed really pleased by our choice.  Then Mary's sister made fun of Mary's choice, which was "Shantelle" or something like that.  I laughed, but it made me ache for Mary that she had thought of a name for her baby.  I couldn't take it anymore and I handed the baby to Brian.  I don't know how Bridget looked in my arms, but she belonged in Brian's.  Bridget let out a little cry and Brian and I looked at each other and smiled.  She sounded like a little bird.  And she was little.  Under five pounds.  Brian held her for the rest of the time we were there.  Mary's family left, then we left a few minutes later.  On our way out, her case worker mentioned that Mary had held Bridget all night and all day.  More aching.  I felt so guilty.  It's hard to describe the jumble of emotions...

On Tuesday we bought a car seat, got it hooked up in the car.  A neighbor/friend let me borrow a bassinet to put by our bed.  At 4:00 we headed out the door to our placement meeting.  Mary's caseworker called our cell phone as we were about to pull onto the freeway.  Mary needed one more day with Bridget.  She was taking her "home" to Grandma's house.  We rescheduled placement for Wednesday, the 28th.  We turned the car around, pulled back into our neighborhood and one of my friends stopped our car thinking we were bringing our baby home.  She looked in the back at the empty car seat and started to cry.  I wasn't crying.  I had steeled myself.  I hadn't allowed myself to think that this was actually going to happen, so I wasn't crying, I was just numb.  We came into the house and both of us just sat on the couch and stared at nothing for the next hour.  In my mind, I knew that no one would be able to say goodbye to that sweet little baby we'd met the night before.  I wondered if I could get my job back.

The next day at 4:00 we cautiously got in the car and drove back to Ogden.  The power was out all over town and we were a little late.  We thought.  Mary and her parents were in one room at the LDSFS office in Ogden and Brian and I were in another.  We hadn't eaten dinner.  We sat in that room alone and sometimes with our case worker, for the next three hours.  Mary's case worker would come in and give us updates.  At 8:15 Mary's case worker came in and told us that if Mary hadn't signed the papers by 8:30, we'd have to try again tomorrow.  (Their policy is to not let the birth mothers leave placement when it's dark outside.)  At 8:25 the case worker came back into our room and told us Mary had signed the papers.  We were led into her office where Mary and her parents had been in a living hell for the last several hours.  Mary was wrung out.  The gifts we brought her were small next to the gift she was giving us.  The guilt and the ache inside me was overwhelming.  I couldn't stand it.  Mary stood up with Bridget in her arms, we took a few pictures.  Then she quickly handed Bridget to me and left the room before she fell apart, which I was sure she was going to do.  Suddenly everyone was gone.  It was just me, Brian and Bridget.  Brian hugged us both.  We cried an exhausted cry 10 years in the making